Rhapsody: 7 Deadly Sins of Fantasy

I'll admit ahead of time: I haven't actually read Rhapsody by Elizabeth Haydon. But I have read most of The Assassin King, which is in the same series and by the same author, so let's take that as good enough (if you don't understand why, read the last post). I also don't know if I actually have 7 sins to list off, or even if I did if I would bother to, but let's run with that title anyway.

My problem with this book isn't exactly specific to it. I am merely using it as an example of what is wrong with almost every fantasy book written in the past 30 years. Rhapsody, and its subsequent series, just make the point very easy to illustrate. And they're apparently incredibly successful now, so it'll be such a joy to tear these books down.

The problem with this series is just that: it's a series. This is the sixth book in the series, and essentially closes out the second "trilogy" (note the trilogy aspect. It's important later on).

Let's start with the fact that this book is long. 384 pages type long. And not long in a "good" way long, as in there's so much action/story/plot that you just can't get enough of it. And not long in a passable Robert Ludlum style long where there's so much excruciating detail on every single fucking little thing that it seems like the book is going to go on forever.

No, it's long like a Tolkien book. It's long in the sense that nothing happens for 300 fucking pages, and then there's a little bit that happens for the next 40 or so pages, and then the book mocks its way through a "conclusion" (that doesn't really conclude anything) that leaves it quite obviously open for a sequel and then it's over.

This leads us into our first SIN of fantasy novels:

1)It is not okay to imitate J.R.R. Tolkien.

Everybody does it. Essentially everyone who writes a fantasy novel is attempting to not really just imitate, or even emulate, but to flat out be the man who started it all. This series, in particular, is just sick with Tolkien envy. Just open the book. In true Tolkien Fantasy, it starts out with a map, drawn and labeled exactly like the maps of Middle Earth you'll find in any Tolkien book. Going just a few more pages in, you find the Rhapsody version of the poem of the Rings. That's right. Elizabeth Haydon thought she could write a "poem." And may I add, it's an incredibly bad poem. I mean, it reads like something a fifth grader wrote who was forced to write some stupid poem by their teacher and really didn't want to. It's terrible. But as if that wasn't bad enough, there's three more poems there! And they're equally terrible!

But thankfully, the writing in the actual story flows a little more smoothly than Tolkien's detached, text-book wordplay. Which is really impressive for a bad fantasy writer. Hell, if she wasn't just another derivative writer, she might actually be kind of good. But if she wasn't just another derivative writer, she probably wouldn't be writing fantasy novels. It's sad, but it's the truth.

2)Do not make up new languages.

Again, this is part of the Tolkien envy, but everybody tries to do it because they actually think they can. Here's a little need to know information people: Tolkien was a linguist. But he wasn't just a linguist. He was a fucking professor of languages. He fucking studied languages for decades before inventing Elvish, and he spent a very, very long time working out all the different rules and reasons for how the language worked. Because he could do that. It would be like a historian who studied ancient Mesopotamia all his life building a (modern) Sumerian City. He would probably know how because he'd studied the stuff his whole life. And he probably wouldn't just dump a bunch of wood down and go "Yeah, there we go, that looks kinda like a city." He'd take his time with it, paying attention to every little detail, because he'd want to get it right.

But you, Mr. (or Mz.) Fantasy-Writer-Off-The-Fucking-Streets, you don't have that background. You don't have that experience. And no matter what you think, YOU CANNOT FUCKING MAKE A NEW LANGUAGE. Because what you're going to be doing is you're going to be sitting there, typing your story, and then you come to a spot where you want them to say something in some bizarre language so it sounds more "fantastical," and then just slam your pudgy little fingers down on some random keys until you get something that may (though some even prefer it if it's not) be pronounceable. This does not make it a "new" language. This makes it random gibberish that means nothing and it's flat out annoying. It's like talking to a baby. Only, instead of the person creating it being two years old, they're probably mid-30s or older. It's just plain pathetic. Oh, and if you're one of those that thinks it's better to write words in your "language" that aren't pronounceable, do us all a favor and shoot yourself now. Because I can guarantee your fantasy novel isn't good enough to bother stumbling over such a poorly written foreign language. A little insiders tip: When you translate even the most bizarre of written languages (such as Japanese, Chinese dialects, or Russian) into an anglicized version (which is what you're doing essentially when you write your new words in your stupid little book), it generally follows rules you might expect from English words. So you're never going to see things like "Xyxzberaxzizas" or "nhwyvar."

I don't actually remember if Rhapsody is guilty of this. Well, it probably is.

3)NEVER write a series.

Every book becomes a trilogy in fantasy. There's pretty much no avoiding it. You write one fantasy book, it means you're writing two more, so you can round it off as a trilogy. It's annoying, it's more Tolkien envy, but I can deal with that. If we can leave things at trilogies, that's okay. Star Wars was a trilogy. It was a good trilogy. Then it turned into a series. Well, look what fucking happened.

And so it goes with every fantasy series. Rhapsody is no exception, and I laughed reading old reviews of that book when I discovered people actually thought it would be. And even on the incredibly, incredibly rare occasion where the trilogy is bare-able, by the time it's a series it's gone to utter crap. Because the auther only had ideas for one or two books, three at the most, but due to fan and publishing demand, they're forced to keep creating on deadlines, and there's no time for originality or creativity. So as the series gets longer, less and less happens in each book and yet they'll constantly get longer and longer (I call this the "Wheel of Time" syndrome). Think of a fantasy series you like. Any fantasy series. I will tell you exactly what happens in the next book: The characters will walk (they will walk a fucking LOT). They'll discuss, or think about, the events that have occurred to them in the past number of books over, and over, and over again, probably even mention some events more than once, without shedding any new kind of light on the event. There will be some big, serious, probably war-causing event that's kind sorta maybe building up the whole book, there might be a big fight towards the end, someone will probably die or get seriously hurt, or learn something about themself that they probably new before but learn it again anyway, and the book will leave itself open at the end for another sequel, where the exact same thing will happen. And by the, I don't know, 10th book in the series the book will probably be a good 1000 pages long. And why? Well, because we obviously need to have the characters walk for an extra 500 pages. Having them walk for 400 really just isn't enough walking.

You might say, well now, you're being pretty general there. That could describe a lot of books! To you I say: actually, I'm not being general at all. That is literally the extent of what occurs by the fifth or sixth book in a fantasy series. And you'll be lucky to get that. Nothing more. Possibly less.

Yet these books are flying off the shelves. The "Symphony of Ages" series that Rhapsody is a part of is considered to be a national bestseller, according to the cover of The Assassin King. That's just sad. It's sad that people can keep throwing so much at an entire genre of fiction that is all essentially the exact same thing. For the most part, there has been no innovation since Tolkien. And people love it. The more like Tolkien you are, the more your book is going to sell. It makes me want to throw up.

Why can't more people try and imitate Roger Zelazny? His prose could fluctuate freely from simple, straight prose to sweeping and poetic and interesting. Why does that not appeal to more people? I mean seriously.

Of course, then you still have the same derivative crap going on. But at least the writing styles might be more interesting.

So this is really long now. If I have more sins, I'll give them next update.