Ultimate(ly not) Spider-Man

This year sees not one but TWO reboots of Spider-Man going on in media outside of the comic books. That's right, Amazing Spider-Man, the summer blockbuster film starring Andrew Garfield (wait, that sentence didn't come from my nightmares? How can that be!?), as well as the brand new, Disney (yes, Disney) cartoon, Ultimate Spider-Man. So this year will also see a lot of me sighing in great frustration and cursing the sky with an angry raised fist. Why? Let's start with what will, maybe surprisingly, be the worst of the two. Ultimate Spider-Man.

I have yet to see this show, and I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt, but what I have seen has me intensely concerned. Luckily, the show continues what appears to be the Spider-Man cartoon standard of flat out skipping the origin story and getting straight to him having been the web-slinger for some time, in this case for one year. So at least there's that. But this cartoon is still a reboot. And why did we need a reboot? I have absolutely no clue, except for the possibility that maybe they planned having these two reboots come out within the same year. But just before this show was running (and should still be running) Spectacular Spider-Man, not only the best Spidey cartoon to date but also one of the best superhero cartoons to date. So why it was canceled is absolutely beyond me. The show was doing an amazing job of mixing concepts from the original series and the ultimate series together to develop an entirely different plot line that was fresh, original, and entertaining. Considering the way the show was already so heavily based on the ultimate comics, that makes doing an Ultimate Spider-Man show even more pointless.

Then there's the fact that the show doesn't really seem to be based of the ultimate comics either. You have some basic stuff: Peter's general look, Nick Fury being black, and SHIELD being aware of Peter's dual identity. But whereas the comics made the wise move of informing us about SHIELD's awareness of this fact and then backing off and LEAVING IT THE FUCK ALONE, the show takes the turn with Nick Fury essentially offering Peter a job. And training. And gadgets.

Now, I don't know what others think, but I'd say one of the best things about Spider-Man has always been how self-contained his little corner of the Marvel Universe was. Not only that, but how little Spidey ever relied on others within his own little group. There were no sidekicks, no long-lasting or sincere copycats, no anything but Spider-Man on his own, trying to do the right thing with no training, no help, no money. He could embody our human faults, failings, and difficulties even while having the proportional strength, speed, and agility of a spider. And for around 40 years that formula not only worked, but flourished.

Then along came Brian Michael Bendis, who just had to ruin everything. Bendis essentially took a step back and slapped the entirety of Spider-Man fans in the face. When forming the "New Avengers" following the disastrous "Avengers: Disassembled," he had Captain America ask ol' webs how well being a lone wolf has worked out for him.

Well.

As a matter of fact, Bendis, it's worked pretty fucking fine. For 40 damn years. For 40 years Spidey, solo, with no money, no government backing, no team, and no training, saved the world at least as many times as the Avengers with all their money and numbers and training and prominence. So yeah, I'd say he was doing just fucking fine.

And that's why people like Spider-Man. That's why, for 40 fucking years, people were attracted to Spider-Man on the whole. Because he's an average guy doing everything he can against insurmountable odds and somehow, every time, he manages to pull himself above it and succeed. That's why he's the Amazing Spider-Man. Or did you not read the title of the book before sodomizing it?

When you take that away from him, he's just another self-serving, self-righteous man in pajamas. When you give him money, and training, and gadgets (seriously, gadgets?), you're making him someone else. You're making him...Batman, really. Well, but younger and with more wisecracks. So Robin. And do you really want Spider-Man to become Robin? Does anyone?

(The answer is no. I just wanted to clarify because if you can make such a pivotal mistake, I'm not sure you're the keenest brain on the shelf).

So while the cartoon may be an enjoyable show in its own right, while it may have certain positive things working for it (though if it does I have yet to see those things), it won't be Spider-Man. And that's why the show is bad. That's why the show might as well not exist. That's why they should give up on it now and go back to making more Spectacular Spider-Man. Okay, not really, I just really like that show.

One last note, after the miserably, miserably bad MTV CGI Spider-Man cartoon, who really, really thought it would be a good idea to give Bendis another chance at making a cartoon? I mean, really.

I'll talk about the movie next time.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The Dead

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was not the best movie ever. In fact I would hesitate to even call it a good movie. It wasn't a bad movie. It had a number of very typical Edgar Wrightisms that I enjoyed so greatly from Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. But having now seen this as well as Paul, I have come to the conclusion that any combination of these people (Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Edgar Wright) that doesn't involve all three of them is mostly a waste of time. It's not that the products of their creations are bad, it's just that the three of them together makes for some of the most awesome movies of all time. Them separated makes for some pretty mediocre movies.

Already I have to be sad that there are so few Mel Brooks comedies and so few Zucker, Abrahams, and Zucker films. Actually, that's a great example. Together, Zucker, Abrahams, and Zucker (or ZAZ for short) made movies like Airplane, Top Secret, and Naked Gun. Individually, they made movies like Baseketball, Scary Movie 4, Mafia!, Ghost, and First Knight. So together they made some of the greatest comedies of all time, and individually they made some mediocre to bad comedies and some terrible dramas.

Pegg, Frost, and Wright are the British ZAZ. Together they're a force to be reckoned with. Individually... well, let's just say the world doesn't need another Baseketball or Ghost. Ever.

EVER.